I married my husband 3+ years ago. I have one son and he has 3 children. We made it very clear that we want all the children treated equally. My mother has stage 3 ovarian cancer and will probably not live past the next 5 years. She wanted to take my son (her only biological grandchild) to visit her sister. My 3 step children weren't invited although we were all together this particular weekend. It hurt my step children's feelings. They think my Aunt doesn't love them and doesn't want them around, so I told my family no to this visit. Well, my aunt pops up, puts me on the stop, and arranges the visit infront of my step children. She even gives my son $ infront of them. I was mad and stood up for my step children. Now my mom who is fighting cancer and dealing with $ problems is very upset with me and I feel guilty. It wouldn't be so bad if they arranged the visit when the other children weren't with us. Should I have hurt my step kids feelings and let my son go with my sick mom?
Blended family in-law (with cancer) dilema/advice?
You can't expect your aunt to love your step-children like she does your son.
That takes time....and patience.....and understanding.
When your aunt singles out your son without the other children....maybe you can do something special for the other children.
Talk to your step-children about what is happening with your Mother.
Reply:You have plenty of time to plan a trip to see your Aunt with your son on your own, if your mother wants to come along, that is fine. You did a wonderful thing thinking of your step-children as well as you own child.
Your mother witll get over it. She probably never had to deal with a blended family situation - so she can't possibly ever understand your choice.
Reply:It is very admirable of you to feel that way about your step children. I commend you. However to your mum your son is her blood and she will never feel the same about the step children as she does your son. She has that right. I am sure she would like to feel the same about all the children but no matter how much she tries she can't. She never will. You can't blame her for feeling like that. If she wasn't sick then maybe it wouldn't have happened. Your husband should have stepped in and explained this to his children. They will understand in time. The thing is kids forget about things so quickly and carry on each and every day. I don't think it is worth arguing over. Let your mum show a little extra love to your son. She isn't going to see him grow up, get married or have children of his own. At least give her the ability to love him the way she wants too. I'm afraid the step children should take a back seat on this one. You can always give them a treat or take them somewhere nice while he is getting a bit extra from your mum or aunt. Life is too short to have disputes over children. Blood is blood and no matter how hard we try, nothing will change that. However, that doesn't mean we can't be good parents/grandparents to anothers children. We have enough love to share around.
Reply:YOU DID GREAT STANDING UP FOR YOUR OTHER KIDS BECAUSE THEY ARE!! AND THEY SHOULD'VE BEING TREATED IQUALY BY YOUR MOTHER, BUT NOW JUST LET YOUR KIDS UNDERSTAND THAT UR MOM DOESNT HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST THEM
Reply:I believe that you did the right thing. In order for your newly bonded family to remain a tight and loving unit...they need to be treated the same. Have you been able to sit down with your aunt and mom and talk about this issue? I would make certain they both understand that this is how you want all members of your family treated. They are your babies now too...your family needs to understand that and respect your feelings. The kids will grow up knowing that you are sincere in their feelings, care and safety and that you love them enough to defend them....that alone is so precious. Tell mom that it means the world to you and the kids to be involved in each others lives and that you want them to all have those sweet times spent together with nana.
I don't understand why there's even an issue of not taking the other kids too...its been three years already. Is this a continued issue or just lately? Are the kids too much for her to handle at one time alone? Maybe for the Aunt? I can understand to a point that being with her own biological grandbaby would mean everything to her right now...being so sick but it would have been easily solved if the invites didn't happen in front of the others. I have to agree with your stand on this issue...all for one and one for all. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I just lost a sis and a bro to cancer...its a hard hard road. Stay strong and God Bless.
Reply:Your son is the only biological grandchild of your terminally ill Mom and she has requested that he accompany her to see her sister. I'm inclined to think that this would be an exception to the "all or none" rule you feel is fair in your blended family. I can't help but think that taking one child (here's where the age does matter to a degree and you haven't supplied the ages of these kids) would be enough to expect your Mom to handle and I think if this has turned into a huge drama in the family, that's very unfortunate. There are times in families when situations require that some adjustments be made to accommodate everyone sensibly. I think this is one of them. Depending on the ages of the other three children, I really believe there would have been a way to have a 'family meeting' together when this issue was first mentioned by your Mom. I would have put Mom first -- sometimes you have to give your parents a 'free pass' to usurp your authority and that's kind of what Mom did here. But when you consider her illness, and the fact that you are fortunate enough to have a blended family with four children to spend your life with -- don't you think this would have been a good opportunity to make a lesson out of this? I'm sure if you sat with your family and considered the situation and your Mom's request, even the other three children would find it in their hearts to give your Mom that special time with your son. Please don't let them think that her want to spend some special time with your son means she doesn't care for her step-grandchildren. Make plans with your step-children and your husband to do some special day trip(s) with just your step-children! They will learn about compassion and only you can put the positive 'spin' on this so that you aren't going to "hurt your step kids feelings". Don't make unnecessary drama about this -- Please do what you can to please everyone here...don't make it a power struggle. Four kids is a lot to expect your sick Mom and your Aunt to handle. With three years behind you in this 'blended family', I can't imagine that these stepchildren are still unsure of the strength and closeness of all of you. Just keep reinforcing the positive and show them how adult children try to comfort and respect their parents and children!
Reply:Hmmm. You aren't going to want to hear this, but-
It sounds like you are trying to be fair to everyone, but in all honesty, life isn't fair. Although I admire you for sticking to your guns, I have to say I think you should have let him go. I don't know how old your stepchildren are, but they are probably not attached to your mom like your son is, and she's probably not as attached to them. I'm not saying that they she doesn't love them or anything, I'm just saying that she wants to spend time with her only biological grandchild while she can.
You could have planned an alternative activity for your family, or just explained the situation to your stepkids. Maybe your Mom isn't really feeling up to taking 4 kids on a visit, but she doesn't want to worry you.
I'll agree with you about the aunt popping in and stuff, that was rather rude of her.
I think that you should explain everything to your stepkids, and let them know that your Mom loves them, but she may not be feeling well, so they might not get to go on every outing.
Does your son go every where with their Mom's family? I'm guessing by your question that you don't have all of the kids all of the time.
Blended families can be tricky, but if you realize that there are actually 3 (or more) family groups involved, it will make it a lot easier to navigate. Your stepkids and their momand grandparents are a family, you and your son and your mom are a family, and you, your husband and all of the kids are a family. Each family has it's own needs and stuff, so it will never be completely fair. By not letting your son go with your mom, he could start to resent the other kids and that could be disasterous. Even worse, the other children have each other to lean on, but he only has you and his grandmother, and you just swore your allegiance to the other kids. How do you think your son feels?
I know that you are trying to do the right thing by all of the kids, and I respect that, but you have to look at the bigger picture.
Reply:don't let yourself feel guilty. cancer and $ problems do not excuse hurting childrens feelings. blending a family is hard work and sometimes natural families need a little prod to help them accept the new children. how awful it must make your stepchildren feel when they are left out of an obviously special time with grandma. an idea for them would be to each spend a little time with your mom individually so as not to tire your mom too much or give her to much at one time. (4 kids at once could be difficult). sit down with your aunt and mom and tell them kindly that they are hurting the stepchildrens feelings and that you cannot have that. they must all be treated fairly.
cotton tree
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